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Essence

ONLINE JOURNAL 2001 ~ ESSENCE
Journal entries are listed in ascending order ~ oldest entries are on the bottom.

10-12-01
The world is still here. I'm still here. Both changed. Each a little more aware of the other. Moments of true peace and tranquility are luxuries now. Are we safe inside our homes? Doors locked. Windows closed. Televisions off. Who decides when it is time to end another's life? Who grants that authority? Who grants that privilege?

What is the nature of a man? - Planescape: Torment

I had last week off. I needed a "vacation", even if it was just spent relaxing at home, which for the most part it was. I was going to actually write a few entries about "What I did on my Summer Vacation", but I scratched that idea. Todd stayed over this past weekend, although I was still fighting the tail-end of a cold. I did some PANDORA magazine™ stuff, hung out with Mabe... rested... played computer games... life goes on? same as before? Doubtful.

Lately I often find myself staring out the window when I'm riding the train to work... and despite the clutter, and pollution, and noise, I still see a beautiful world out there. Nature thrives... even in places where man has built the tallest buildings. Birds and other animals have adapted to our "habitat", making it their own. So much goes on around us, I wonder how many people even notice it?

Today, I sat in the park. I ate my sandwich.There was silence around me, and it felt incredible.
I could see the leaves tenderly fall from to the ground. Autumn is here. First, it ws just one. Then another over there. And another behind me. And another. There was such a tranquility. One of those rare moments, I mentioned earlier. Then... a large bird (a falcon?) swept out of literally nowhere, plunged itself into the river and flew off with its prey gripped firmly in its claws... irrelevant or symbolic?

It's only 9:40pm. I'm actually trying to concentrate on putting some of the pieces of Azodnem back inorder. No porn tonight... well... maybe just a little bit.

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9-07-01
I have to admit, that I'm not much of a bar/club fag, but I had a great time at The Boiler Room. It was our Anniversary. One year. Awesome! We invited a large number of people, but only a few showed up... That was fine with me... People are strange... People are people.

Queen Mabe took pictures. I'll post those up when she gets them to me. She's posted them up on her site as well. Yes, we have lesbian kissing shots... Maybe that'll increase the hits on Azodnem...

Todd's staying over tonight. Last weekend we were both up in Poughkeepsie. We went to the Vanderbilt Mansion and a gay bar called The Congress. We also passed by the hair salon and saw Doreen. I love her new hair color, by the way. (God, that comment was so gay.) We also had lunch with his friend Diane and her man. I had a really nice time, despite the fact that I had to deal with some major Mama Drama when I got home (NOT worth mentioning).

That Sunday, I went up to the NY Ren Fair with Mabe and the gang. I had fun, took some cool pictures, and gave out a few PANDORA magazine flyers.

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9-05-01
Happy Anniversary to Todder and me! We'll be having a small get-together on Friday at The Boiler Room downtown. (All my loyal Azodnemites are welcome to attend - LOL.) We had dinner tonight, and yes, I had my frozen strawberry margarita. I can't believe it's already been a year. I've never had a relationship that has lasted this long, and I'm very happy. We've had our small and serious issues, but at least we try to talk through them and work on them. I have very something special, at last, and I'm truly grateful.

Other news: I've actually been going to a psychotherapist. I've hit a wall, and need some help navigating around it. I had (and still have) my reservations about seeing a therapist, but I have to admit that I'm seeing a difference. I still may hesitate in expressing certain issues, but I am starting to let them out. I've grown up only seeing the "extreme" in other people's reactions. My eyes are opening, and I'm starting to see things differently. This process is most definitely changing me.

I have to confess that's the reason why I've been so silent on Azodnem.com. My "voice" is different now, and I'm not sure what it's going to say when I start talking.

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8-07-01

THE ORIGIN OF LOVE - Song written by Stephen Trask (from Hedwig and The Angry Inch)

Hedwig & The Angry Inch

 

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightning, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

 

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

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8-07-01
I miss you, Todder.

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5-10-01
Invasion Earth
is a really weird show. I mean REALLY weird. The creepy skinny jittery aliens are odd. One of the human military personal is Irish, but I don't think she was Irish yesterday.

I think she only becomes Irish when she's angry or horny.

I've got a busy schedule this weekend. I've got to pickup a print this weekend, and hang it over my bed. I hate running around like a moron all the time. I want to sleep. I'll probably go to bed early tonight. I'm meeting someone from a gothic theater (theatre?) company to possibly do some promotional stuff for them. Cool, huh?

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5-08-01
I have been so busy lately, that I feel like I have forgotten about the little pleasures. I've overlooked the simplicities that give me joy. I rarely stop to just sit on my futon and watch a movie or TV show anymore. Even when I have the time, I don't have the desire. Is relaxation a waste of time?

My allergies are super hellish. My nose feels horrible. My eyes almost feel like they're burning from the inside. I am a Benadryl junkie. I hate Spring. Why can't it be Winter again, when everything's dead?

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5-06-01
A lifetime of fear does not go away in a day... I've been edgy and moody. I've gone through really tense moments of anxiety lately. There are moments when I want to lock myself away in a little dark room where it's safe and warm and scream. Isolated. Protected. It's my nerves... Maybe I inherited some of my mother's? It's easy to live afraid. I've done it for so long, that I probably don't know what to do now. I don't want to turn into a nervous-wreck, but I realize, I am more than entitled to my moments. I am always "Mr. Calm-and-collected". The stress has to be released somehow. Should I take up a hobby? ...knitting perhaps?

Todd "came out" at an early age, and I think that fact gave him a really strong sense of self-confidence. I sometimes envy that. I wish I could feel as ease around new people as he seems to. Yesterday was our 9th month anniversary. Today we went to the movies and saw "The Mummy Returns". We held hands almost the entire time in the theater. I lowered my head on his shoulders, he kissed me, and squeezed my hand tightly. Things aren't always perfect between us, and aren't going to always be. They don't have to be, because it's those little moments of perfection that make the sun rise.

My life this year has changed so quickly and dramatically. It's almost unfathomable. I never dreamed that the changes that have taken place would have happened... or that the changes I'm planning would even be possible. Something is changing inside me. Slowly... I can feel it. That vicious insecurity that has kept me caged my whole life is lifting away. There is something I'm meant to do... someone I'm meant to be... and the pieces are falling into place around me. The scarey thing is that I can see that... but I'm still caught. I have to let go of a lot of anger, and resentment, and fear, and... it's hard. Those are the things that have held me back my whole life and I know it. I don't want to feel alone at a table full of people again.

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4-30-01
I think I realized that I was gay when I was around twelve or thirteen (Although, it seemed that some of my classmates knew before I did). I was hailed a "faggot" and "gaylord" before I was even ten. Most of my years in grammar school were spent trying to ignore the comments made by the other kids, and avoiding the other ones who wanted to beat me up. In high school, I was fortunate enough to have a small crowd of friends that I felt safe in, but even up through my college years, something was missing.

My home life was very hard. Neither my parents or sister knew I was gay. I had to deal with a lot of pain on my own. The breakups with my boyfriends, the first time I got tested, were all things I had went through alone. I had close friends but always felt that sharing my pain might be a burden to them. I kept so much inside. I learned to put up shields whenever necessary. It was safe to look at the world through the eyes of a neutral observer. I kept myself at a safe distant from many people.

I haven't had great fortune in love. The men I have dated have all been "difficult". Sometimes, I wonder If I did that on purpose. Did I choose men that I knew would not be around for long, because it suited my needs? Perhaps.

The greatest fear I've ever had was that I would be left alone in the world. (Ironic, coming from someone who kept others at arm's length.) Maybe, it's that fear, along with the cultural taboo of homosexuality inherent in Latin countries that had kept me quiet about my sexuality for so long. That silence has caused me more pain than I deserved to live with.

This year I met someone who changed my outlook... I had asked for it for so long, that the reality of it seemed almost illusionary. I met someone I could actually love, and who would love me back. If there is such a thing as a "better half", he is mine. I've met his family, and have secretly felt unfair that I could not, and did not offer the same in return. I have met his friends and the people around him. He has met a selected few, and I apologize. The long hours I spent working at The Voice alienated me from many of the people in my "circle".

On Friday, I went to a party with him. I was under the impression that it was gonna be a smaller and intimate dinner than what it turned out to be. It's not a valid excuse... but my shields went up, and I became very defensive. I was uncharacteristically quiet. I ended up leaving early, because I was feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

Maybe that had to happen. Maybe I had to feel sufficiently overwhelmed to react the way I did. I "came out" to my sister on Saturday morning. The pain inside reached a boiling point. It was not an easy thing to do, or an easy conversation to have or start. I cried fourteen years out of myself. The conversation and the conversations that have followed have been better than I anticipated they would be. There is still a long road of ahead of us, before we reach an honest level of understanding, but I actually feel like she is at least willing to accept it and try. I feel like I have to be careful not to push the issues too quickly on her.

My life has taken yet another dramatic turn.
I still feel somewhat numb to the entire situation, but also incredibly liberated. I choose to celebrate.

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4-27-01
I was going to start writing about how I felt today... Allergy season is here. I feel stressed. I'm moody and crabby. I feel unattractive, uncomfortable, and even lonely. There are moments when I just want to scream out loud, just to see if anyone's listening. Then... I read last week's entry... "I choose to celebrate." I will not fall into old familiar habits of blaming myself when the sky isn't the right shade of blue. "I choose to celebrate." I celebrate the choices I have made, and I celebrate the man I have become.

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4-22-01
Today, Azodnem.com is a year old. In that one year it has grown to become something much larger than what I had anticipate. It's been a great year for me, and I feel fortunate. So many people complain and moan about what's wrong in their lives. It is seldom that we hear people pause and celebrate what has gone right. We are a society enthralled by trauma and misfortune. I choose to celebrate. I celebrate my the new path my career has taken. I celebrate the love I have in my life. I celebrate my family. I celebrate the choices I have made - choices that have led me to feel happiness.

True, not every moment has been beautiful or joyous, or fun or full of sunshine rays.
They don't have to be. If they were life wouldn't be worth celebrating.

The journals have been silent lately, but that doesn't mean I'm not writing. I have tons of excerpts to post, as well as more artwork. I promise, that will be soon. I have been busy. I'll be working on Michelle's site for the next for weeks, so updates on my own site will most probably be nonexistent. My parents are also officially selling the house, so I've been occuppied with taking the remainder of my things.

It's funny, how the world continues to change. In one of my "astrological" moments, I said that 2001 would be the year of justice. I had no idea how right I was. I have learned, that the universe takes care of itself and those who have faith in it.

Well... I'm doing laundry now... Happy birthday, Azodnem.com.
Maybe next year, you'll learn to walk.

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4-04-01
Todd wanted to me to write something. OK. So here goes... The new job is going very VERY well. I'm really happy. I have a great deal of creative freedom, and it feels wonderful! I do miss The Voice very much though, but it's no longer the environment it was when I started. Too many people have left, and they have taken that comfortable feeling of familiarity with them... especially Alison. The new office is full of great people, though - and I really look forward to the time I'm going to spend there.

My life is changing... I asked the universe to grant me a wish, and it granted three - my own place, a new job, and love.

Todd threw a party on Sunday. I arrived early to help him out, have sex and play on his Playstation. All three were fun. Hee Hee. On my way to the party, however, I was serenaded by a homeless man in a hefty bag who decided to sing "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme" at me. Charming.

I'm watching the Sci-Fi channel. One of the Baldwin Brothers is seeing images of his dead wife "Julie". Also... very charming.

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3-24-01
Drop by drop does the glass become full. One has a choice... allow it to overflow or take a drink and prevent it.

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3-18-01
I have the kind of personality that can never sit still. I always have to be working or doing something... anything. The train rides to and from work force me sit and relax, to read, write in my journal or just stare out of the window. They have served to remind me... that no matter how small or insignificant something might seem... someone, somewhere, for at least a moment within an hour of their day, will notice it.

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3-12-01
"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone." - Orison Swett Marden (Thank you, Mabelyn.com)

My hair and I are having a difference of opinion. I want it to look nice. It has decided otherwise. My "hair-director", Jaime, cut it right at the "poof". I feel like a teddy bear with a bad haircut. Am I on the right train? This is my first day at work - well... at my new job anyway. I'm on the 8:24 train to avoid being late. I'm dressed all in black... "Mysterious gothic boy with hideous haircut found on the Harlem Line - Scientists don't know what to make of it"...

I'm awake by now - so is my hair. The train hasn't moved yet. Crap. My hair looks like crap. So does my handwriting. This journal is definitely gonna become the travel log of Azodnem.com.

Oh GREAT! Somebody farted! GREAT!
Happy mother-fucking Monday - I'm having a hair crisis, and my train smells like ass.

My Niece Bowling

A KODAK MOMENT

My niece's birthday party was held at a Bowl-a-rama. Sometimes... beautiful and rare moments are caught on camera... take a good look at where that
ball is headed...

Strike

She bowled 106 that night.

Smile... >FLASH<

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3-11-01
Tomorrow is my first day at the new job! I'm nervous, of course. I have a billion little errands, I want to accomplish today, including phone calls, cleaning, and organizing a shitload of paperwork and files. I need to manage my bills better.

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3-09-01
My first Friday off in eons... I went to a comic book convention in the city. I haven't been to a comics / toy show in almost three years. I spent about an hour in the place, checking out the videos and the toys. I swore I wasn't gonna spend more than twenty bucks and I didn't! Afterwards, I crossed Central Park to get to F.A.O. Shwartz. Someone was playing bagpipes, and it gave such an eerie feeling to the park. The tune was so sad... but so incredibly beautiful.

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3-07-01
I feel like a nervous wreck. Today was my last day as an employee of The Village Voice. Everything was fine until I got home. Now I'm just of bag of nerves... nerves gone awry. All I want to do is cry. Maybe it's finally hit me. I quit my job. On Monday, I start my new one. I don't know what to do. I feel like going to go see a movie, but I'll probably just stay home and watch Stargate... It's on Sci-Fi. Why am I watching this movie? - it SUCKED.

Oh... P.S. I finished Baldur's Gate 2 this morning.

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3-04-01
I've been silent for quite some time, but with good reason. I've been busy. It took me weeks to put together my portfolio (the physical one you take on interviews) I've been looking for a new job ever since Alison left. After two and a half years, I've decided to leave The Village Voice. Making that decision was scarey. I've grown very comfortable there, but that in itself... is even scarier. I'm not ready to get stuck anywhere, and this job-hunting has really opened my eyes - I HAVE options.

So, I start my new job on the 12th, and I'm very excited. There's a lot more creativity involved. I'll still be working in print - which is a good thing. My hours will be better, and so will the pay. There's a commute involved now, but its a comfortable one. I'd be sitting on a train for about half an hour each way. Not bad.

I'm gonna miss The Voice. Tomorrow, Todd and I celebrate six months.

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2-21-01
I hope I wrote the directions right. I think I did. She was very clear. I am nervous. There is nothing wrong with admitting that.

I'm cute. I think. Todd thinks I'm cute. I think.
Tickets. That man took my ticket away. >sniff< >sniff< It's gone.

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2-12-01
Could it be? Could my stove dilemma actually be at its end? YES! Heavens be praised... I walked in tonight after work... and there... in my kitchen... my stove... HOOKED UP!!!!! My maid's husband is an electrician and came in during the day, hooked up my range, and turned on my gas. It's the little things that make me happy. I can have coffee now.

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2-11-01
Time goes by so quickly, it seems almost unfair. This weekend has had me running around like a maniac. For once, I didn't sit at my computer and play any games. I had tons of stuff to do, and actually accomplished most of it. Honestly, despite the fact that I feel totally exhausted... I also feel really good.

I really need sex.

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2-05-01
Happy Anniversary to Todd & Me (5 months!).

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2-04-01
Making a list of all the things you want to accomplish, doesn't necessarily help. On the contrary, it seems to make me avoid doing them. There is too much on my plate, and I have to find a way to sort it out and clear some of it up or I'm gonna snap. Maybe the list IS a start. You know - "check things off as you go". That sounds so lame though... Ugh.

Last night Todd and I had a date. I had a great time! We had dinner and went to a comedy show. He knew some of the people in the skits - they were really funny. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed just spending time with him.

My stove dilemma continues. It still isn't hooked up. I don't know what the deal is, or why it's so difficult for people to do their fucking jobs right. I know how this story is gonna end - I'm gonna have to find a plumber myself, pay them myself, and have them install it. What's the phrase - "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself". Pathetic.

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1-30-01
At long last... things on Azodnem.com begin to bloom again. I have been struggling with a lot of issues in my head. So much has changed in my life, I don't think I have really sat down and examined the effects. I have so much to do, and so much I want to get in order.

Todd stayed over last night. We spent the night cuddling. I slept like a baby, and actually dreamt of him. He didn't get much sleep though. I know he's had so much on his mind lately. He wishes certain things were different in his life. I know the feeling. We all want and expect certain things from "Fate". Some argue that we make our own. I don't know... I believe in the power of an individual to effect his own life and of those around them.

I'm working on my taxes and my portfolio. I am Mr. Multi-tasking. Watch me work. Busy. Busy. Busy.

I want to "round off" Azodnem.com... fill up some of its gaps. This restructuring I started, has turned out to be a file management nightmare! So many things are still down. So many sections still need updates. Century Productions needs attention. It has so much potential, but is currently just... waiting.

I'm now listening to the soundtrack of "The Cell".

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12-31-00
Snow. White sheets of innocence covering the earth. What a beautiful way to end the year.

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12-25-00
Merry Christmas. Santa brought me a pair of socks and a stressball. Is that a step-up from coal?

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12-03-00
In two days, my boss, Alison leaves The Voice (after 11 years). I'm gonna miss her so much. I honestly feel she's one of the only reasons I have stayed there this long. Things will not be the same with her gone. I miss her already. I also have to start looking for a new job. Things change. That's the one "constant" in my life.

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11-18-00
Happy Birthday, Todder. He's 27.

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11-17-00
I have to start getting things in order. Me. My life. My career. Azodnem.com. Century Productions™. There is a lot I'm juggling. Granted... by my own choice.

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My computer at work is freezing up and taking forever on simple tasks. I guess it's a godsend - it gives me time to reflect. Speaking of reflection... I saw this mirror I want for my bathroom. I want... I want... I want... that's why my credit card is back up to $10,000. Wants. Wants. Wants, but no needs.

My hair looks really curly today. I feel silly. Is it the curls? Why do eyeglasses make people look smart?

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11-15-00
What an ugly pen. At least, it's another beautiful day. Issues. Yeah, I've got them, who doesn't? Todd says I don't let go of them easily. I hold a lot of anger inside (like mom). I don't fear confrontation. I fear the aftermath of confrontation - after the emotions settle...

People watch me as I write, as if I hold some secret that they can unearth just by looking at these pages. I'm on a Gypsy van heading towards work. I miss the routine of writing in a physical journal. It's honest. uncensored. unrehearsed. unedited. I miss inspiration. I haven't felt truly inspired to work for weeks. Am I spent? Is that it? >poof< No more talent. No more Essence? No more Robert?

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11-04-00
A new experience: I'm on a train... a train bound to Poughkeepsie. It's about a two hour ride from Manhattan. I brought my CD walkman and am currently listening to Cher. I also brought along some Tracey Chapman for the ride. I'm a little more than nervous about going to Poughkeepsie and meeting Todd's mom. That in itself is a new experience. I've had such a bad week as it is, I hope it doesn't get worse. My mother would hate this train. There are black people on it. She can be such a racist at times. I know it's her upbringing, but it is infuriating. Racism in Cuba was not defined as "racism". "Whites" had their own clubs / bars, and "Blacks" had theirs. OK... technically that's "segregation"', but segregation and racism are brother and sister.

My parents once didn't rent the upstairs apartment to this one couple because the woman was married to a black man. That kind of mentality is really frightening. I'm often surprised that I am who I am considering the environment I was raised in. I guess a person is either a product of their environment or a product against it.

There are tons of skinny white people on this train too. The skinhead with the tattoo and the earrings is disturbingly handsome. I have tons of stuff next to me. I hope I don't have to move them for people to sit. The train (at least, this car) is getting really full. Some crazy homeless woman has locked herself in the bathroom. I think she's trying to get a free ride. Train hasn't left yet.

God! - I haven't written in a real physical journal in months - My handwriting looks horrible! It's so sloppy and I'm crossing out a lot. - basically because I can't spell (or type) for shit! >spellcheck< >spellcheck< The homeless woman is probably gonna bust of the bathroom with an uzi. Three Yankee hats so far... inspiration...

12 Beepers beeping
11 Cellphones ringing
10 Homeless people
9 Fat slobs
8 Yankee fans
7 Crackheads
6 Bullets in my gun
5 Black people
4 Teenage junkies
3 Asian ladies
2 Skinheads
and a latin queer going to Poughkeepsie.

Smiles everywhere. Choo-Choo. All aboard the train of happy people. Why is everyone sitting in this car of the train? Movement. Subtle movement. I bought this really cool doll at the discovery Store at Grand central. It's some kind of Gypsy, I think. It's very pretty. My handwriting sucks. We're pulling out of Grand Central Station. I look like "Goth boy from the suburbs." Nice and neat, but all in black. I bought my ticket at 10:11. Cher is "Strong Enough". Do I write for reaction? They're coming for my ticket. Bumpy ride. text is slantly, scribbly. Cher is skipping. The conductor looks like a lesbian. I can't believe I'm on a train. No Smoking. The homeless woman has yet to come out of the bathroom. The ride is smoother now. Harlem 125th St. My God, what a beautiful day. This week has been torture on me. I made a boo-boo at work - everyone makes mistakes, but I really crammed my foot up my ass on this one... There were horrible paint fumes on Thursday and Friday. I started getting sick. My asthma couldn't take the smell. I was feeling dizzy. I wish this train had air conditioning. I can see into people's windows. Bridge. Van. My shirt looks wrinkled. Construction Workers. Trees... it's miraculous... that no matter how industrial our environment becomes, Nature is still present. I have horrible penmanship. >spellcheck< I feel fat. I need coffee. I've got $50. I hope that's enough for the day. Morris Heights. Basketball court. "Because of the children." University Heights. Green water. Green whore. Drew Barrymore defaced by vandels. Ducks. Un pato. What a view!

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10-12-01
Once upon a time, there
was a curtain that shrouded
the eyes of many. It was golden and silken... embroidered with lace and silver. It was called
"Freedom". Once it was made
of sturdier cloth, and protected
its children from the cold and
the rain, but years of
adoration have turned it into
a tapestry, an ornament
stripped of its essence.
Now it has been cut and its
edges lay frayed... but it
still billows and fights
against the wind... knowing
that even if a small piece
of it remains, it can be sewn together again.

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9-15-01
It feels great working on Azodnem.com again. I'm hitting almost every section and updating pages, making corrections. I have
"been away" for too long.

I've done so much today. I'm proud of myself that I've been so productive. Communication with New York seems a reality again. Thankfully. I called a few of my friends and "checked in". Everyone is dealing the best
way they can. Everyone is effected on different levels.

There's still a bunch of stuff
I want to get to tonight. I
just have to remain focused.
The creative energies are flowing... Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap
into those energies, honey.
Let them flow like the
River Jordan. Air Jordan.
Michael Jordan.

I must've heard the new Stevie Nicks album a thousand times
this week.

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911-2001

Animated Candles

One word. One minute.
One second can change
the face of a nation and the
heart of the world. New York
is a different place now.
America is a different place
now. I really don't have any words that can sufficiently
capture what I feel. I'm scared. I'm angry. They've changed my world. They've altered my life. They've brought violence to American soil... to New York streets... to my backyard. They've... They've... They've... They've... They've... They've changed families forever.
They've killed sons. They've
killed daughters... friends... husbands... wives... cousins... soulmates... uncles... aunts... fathers... mothers...
They've killed strangers. Strangers. Strangers who
will never go home again and
kiss the strangers they
called "beloved" goodnight. Strangers that will never
walk into their offices again. Strangers who will never
receive a proper burial.
Strangers who have
made every single other
issue in our lives seem
irrelevant. Strangers who
are raceless, colorless,
ageless, and genderless. Strangers who were American.

God Bless America

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8-11-01

Mists of Avalon

I really enjoyed the TNT original mini-series "Mists of Avalon".
The movie was based on the books written by Marion Zimmer Bradley. I ordered the soundtrack from Columbia House, and I'm dying for the movie to come out on tape. I think I watched almost every time they replayed it.

Mists of Avalon Soundtrack

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7-29-01
I always seem to start off
a new entry with the same phrase: "I've neglected Azodnem.com..." I haven't neglected it.
I have evolved. There are a few projects I'm working on all at once now.

PANDORA magazine™

The new job is going well.
I work in rich-white-people-land now. I'm the only Hispanic not behind a cash register. I scare
the "locals"... but then again...
I scare the locals here too.

My hair is growing. It covers my ears now. In a few months it'll
be at my shoulders... which is
my goal. I hope it looks as
nice as I think it will.

Todd and I are still together.
I'm very happy. It's going to
be a year in September. I
almost can't believe it. We're planning an impromptu get-together in the city. Sort of
like - a large group of friends
just unexpectedly show
up at the same bar.

My sister and I are still having issues. Major Ugh. I've played
the role of the "good and supportive little brother" too often, I think. I've been taken very much for granted. I love
my sister dearly though, and
the difficulty we're having
really hurts. If I can narrow
it down to one element - one factor - I would say it is "pride".
I wouldn't call her materialistic, but appearances mean a great deal to her. My friend, Vivian, said that life is a process, and that my sister has a very tough lesson to learn in this life. She didn't say it quite as nicely though. LOL.

My parents are still caught
up in the legal red tape of
selling their home. It seems
to be taking forever, but at
least, they are moving things
into the storage room.
Good.

I really need sex.
Sex is nice.

I don't know why I wrote this entry over here on the side.
I think I just wanted to fill up space on this page.

I like it.

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7-28-01
Vivian and Oneida came over today, we had such a great
time, even though they were
only here a short time.
We talked and laughed
so much!
Three witches in
the same house can
add up to a lot of trouble!

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7-21-01
Sometimes privacy can be a
pearl that is taken too often
for granted.
Once a soul is seen, felt, touched, and caressed,
- is it ever the same?

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4-25-01
Are you a reason,
a season or a lifetime?

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4-22-01
My heart is from Spain,
but my penis is from Italy.

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3-07-01
Friends are family by
choice, not chance.

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1-30-00
I got my stove today. It's six inches too big. I never thought
I would ever hear myself
complain about something
being "too big".

There are currently two
stoves in my kitchen.

Tomorrow, there will be three.

Elf Sketch

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11-15-00
I haven't said a word to
her in over two weeks.

Why do I always have to
extend the hand of
forgiveness?
I have my
faultstoo. Should I accept
hers? Truth is... I don't
have to be
everyone's friend.

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The Eye of Azodnem

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