ONLINE JOURNAL 2000
Journal entries are listed in ascending order ~ oldest entries are on the bottom.
Merry Christmas! Here it is... The Azodnem Christmas Tree... towering a massive thirteen inches (no comment). If you're wondering... the three big green presents all contain teapots.
I whined and whined that November was the month of trauma. December has proven to be one of the busiest months I have ever had. I have rarely had a moment to sit down and relax, let alone sit down and focus on Azodnem. It needs attention. I know it. I've neglected it. Poor baby. I'm sorry, but I've had a life lately. I swear it won't happen again... Ok.. News:
December 5th was my birthday.
I am now officially "late twenties". For the curious, I am 27. It was a nice birthday this year. I spent it with loved ones, and even got some very cool gifts. I had lunch with Todd in the morning (it was also our third month anniversary). My parents bought me a cake and made me some great dinner. Mabelyn stayed over. My co-workers at the office also got me a cake... it was pink. I feel loved... weeeeee!
Back to work after a four day weekend. Can't you just feel the joy?
Had dinner at my parents. The walk up there was great. It was beautiful out. Misty, rainy, but not a thundering rain shower like this morning. Some people have already started putting up their Christmas lights. I have to put up my itty bitty little tree. I need to shave and get a haircut. My server is slow tonight. Ugh.
November continues its onslaught. Old habits are hard to break. Old fears are even harder. Luckily, the year is drawing to a close. There's a lot in 2000, I'd like to forget. So much upheaval in everyone's life. Some of it was good. Some of it was bad. Some of the bad things lead to better things. After seven years and dozens of painful nights, Mabe and Rhuven broke up. Rhuven has now vanished into the thick solemn mists of memory. Mabe is dating Rob now, and the sky is bright again.
After eleven years, my boss, is leaving her job. December 4th will be her last day. Many faces are gonna change at the office. Mine included. It's time to move on, and I know it. Change is frightening, but necessary, and more often than not, rewarding as well.
Some say 2000 is the year of rebirth. Is it? Death has also shown its face too often this year. I lost an aunt, an uncle and my grandmother. Todd lost his father.
I think that I'm one of those people who have an endless reservoir of faith. No matter what happens... to me, to those around me... I know that situations will always brighten and get better. Eternal optimism or shrewd logic? The one constant force in this life is pain. We will all feel it, and at some level be scarred by it.
The first person to break my heart was Armando. I was 18. The puritan romantic ideals I had of what love was supposed to be were trampled on. I was dismissed without a second thought. Paul broke the pieces Armando left intact. I was 22.
It took a long time for me to find the trust to trust again. I carried that pain and anger inside me for a long long time. It was a hard fight letting go of it. Sometimes, I can still feel little bits and pieces of it gnawing at me. I didn't think I would ever give my heart again.
I bought some candles and flowers for my apartment. They bring me peace. November has been a harsh month for me. I want to put it all behind. There is a strange sense of closure today, but also renewal. I have a lot to look forward to. My life is just beginning...
Maria Antonia Hernandez was born in the early 1900s. She was my grandmother. She died last night at about 10:45pm. She lived well into her 90s. Sadly, I know little of her life other than she was born and married in Cuba. She, her husband and their four children were all fortunate enough to make it to the states in the early 60s. Her youngest son is my father. Today is my father's birthday and also my grandmother's funeral. The last funeral I had attended was earlier this year for my Uncle. It felt like a gathering of vultures. It left a bitter and angry emptiness in me. Grandma's funeral filled that... there was great serenity. Peace. She had lived a long life. There wasn't any agony in the air today. There wasn't any anger. There was sadness, but also acceptance and tranquility. I walked away today with one thing: the realization that I have a wonderful life. Despite my occasional protests, I have a good career. It has supplied me the means to my independence. I'm intelligent, creative, and compassionate. My friends are few, but they are true. After years of loneliness and emptiness, I have found real love - someone who will walk "the road" with me - someone who will love me as much in the daylight streets as he does in the passionate darks.
Tomorrow they lay Maria Antonia in the earth.
I touched her hand before I left the funeral home, and said good-bye. Goodnight Grandma.
Eerie Footnote: Grandpa was buried on Dec. 17, 1986. My Uncle Arnold was buried on April 17, 2000. My Aunt Laura was buried on June 17, 2000. Grandma will be buried tomorrow Nov. 17, 2000. She died in the same hospital, in the same room, that her husband, my grandfather, died in 14 years ago.
I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I am shamed - bound and broken on the floor.
12:04 am. Why am I at this keyboard? My hair's growing.
Into every day... a little "magic" must fall.
I was on my way back to the office, and I felt the urge for a Coke from the huge soda vending machine on the 4th floor. I put my hand in my pocket and only had 55 cents. A soda is 75 cents. I know this is silly, but it made me really sad. When I was in the elevator... I put my hand into my coat pocket again... this time... that extra nickel was gone, and in its place was another quarter. I got my soda! I know... the other quarter was there to begin with, but I just think this is a cute story.
I received a very sad e-mail from Mabelyn today. I assumed she was gonna spend yesterday with Rob, but instead she spent her Halloween alone and in sadness. Had I known earlier, I would have dragged her with me and Jason to the parade.
After work I went looking for that new journal I want to get. I have a few leads... but they were closed by the time I got out of work. I'll check them tomorrow during my lunch break, If I get the chance.
Here's a scan of the ring Mabelyn gave me a few years back. My friend Chris said that it was most probably made in Afghanistan, because the Lapis-Lazuli stone. The spotted bronze colored areas on the teardrop are pyrite deposits in the Lapis. The thin white bands are most probably calcite. Lapis is said to encourage self-awareness and honesty. Very cool.
I went into the city early to have lunch with Todd. He showed me the train I have to take on Saturday to get to Poughkeepsie, and see him in his show. I'm bit nervous. I don't want to get lost.
Grandma is in the hospital. Mom called me earlier and said she wasn't doing too well. It's very sad... I never really had a chance to get to know my grandmother. She was placed in a home soon after my grandfather died (in 1988). I was fourteen years old. Her mind just caved in on itself after his death. She reached a point where she needed constant supervision. It's very sad. She will die leaving her most of her story untold.
When I got back in from lunch, there was a message on my answering machine from Jason. I convinced him to go with me to the parade. I got him out of his house, and into the real frightening streets of NY. He had never been to the NY Halloween Parade. He loved it, and seemed to have a great time. Sidenote - his nose was attacked by a fly, and he started bleeding profusely. Lovely. Happy Halloween.
It was incredibly cold so I ended up not wearing the robe. I just wore some traditional gothic black instead (also wore an awesome ring Mabelyn had given me a few years ago). We stood next to "Mr. I Have a Comment on Everything" for most of the parade. He had all of two teeth in his head. The little kid on my right kept pushing me and poking me for almost two hours, until I gave his mother a "smile". She moved him. I had a great time. - I actually did... I took about four rolls of film (expect a NY Halloween Parade 2000 page loaded with pictures). After the Mom and her little vampire moved, this loud but funny teenager moved up into position. I thought she was a riot. She kept yelling at all the drag queens... "Work it. Work it, Girl. Oh... You're too hot! Too hot!" She was VERY funny.
I couldn't find Delphine's garden. Sadness. I really wanted to see it. They had built a large haunted house in it. Maybe I'll take my camera with me, and photograph it after work on Wednesday. My feet really hurt. I walked around so much, and just wanted to get home. Todd had a performance tonight.
Happy Halloween. I want to buy a journal - you know one of those leather bound slip covered journals where the front and back look embossed with Celtic patterns or runes. I'm heading to the parade tonight. Checking out Delphine's garden and maybe even heading out to Theatre for the New City. I need money though - so I have to hit a mac machine when I get into NY. I am going to wear the monk's robe I wore to the Renaissance Faire. Also... Happy Birthday to "Asmodius".
OK. I cheated. I played Torment for a few hours today. It was becoming difficult, so I downloaded a game editor and "hacked" a few things... just a few things... some nice equipment... better stats for one or two characters... that's all...
Why do I get inspired to work late at night? It's the "witching hour" here... emphasis on "witch"... Incense and candles are all over the place.
My sister's birthday party/Halloween party was today. She's 40. Lots of her friends around. I felt a little awkward and out-of-place, so I sat in the back as usual. I wore that same black and brown robe that I wore at the Renaissance Festival - the same robe that I am probably going to wear to the NY Halloween Parade on Tuesday. The party lasted four hours, I ended up talking to my cousin for most of that. She's very cool, and I love her very much, but there is a sadness in her eyes sometimes. I "came out" to her at the party. I don't know why. Maybe it was the sangria. Maybe I just needed to finally feel a connection with someone in my family. She smiled... and hugged me. She said that I was her cousin and that she loved me, and that I could tell her anything... funny she said the same thing a few years ago... I wanted to cry. I told her about Todd. She wants to meet him. She drove me home after the party. I needed to test the waters. It's not gonna be that easy with Chari, and I know it. There will be lots of tears... but my sister is the next step, when I'm ready.
Todd's play opened up tonight.
Why did I even get out of bed today? I didn't want to go to work. I really didn't. I didn't sound sick - and didn't feel like faking it either. I called in "late" and dragged myself to work. I feel really sluggish and very bitchy today. I got attacked by a sewer rat while walking down into the subway at Port Authority. I kicked it out of my way. Its dead now. Probably.
I basically wore my headphones all day, and thus avoided conversation. Gale convinced me to go with her to this Brazilian percussionist performance up on 12th. It was free, and fabulous. Brazilian men are gorgeous. Damn them all.
I really miss Todd. He's got rehearsal all week. The play he's in opens up tomorrow. Wish I could be there to cheer him on - but I'm working. I am going up to see the show on the 4th, though.
Wow! Today was incredibly productive! Renee came over and we discussed music stuff for Abén (she brought coffee and bagels, along with a weird orange and pink thing to smear on them). I'm gonna be redesigning her website, I think that's so cool - an official "unofficial" web-site gig. She and a couple of friends are starting up a band called Hookers' Union.
My nieces also came over for awhile & we played "toys" (as they call it). They seem to have a taste for Superhero toys... especially the girl dolls... but only if they have capes or high-heels. Divas to the last.
Today was a long day, and its not over yet. I just walked in the door and started doing my laundry. It seems the building got new laundry machines - and they're called SPEED QUEENS. Isn't that the cutest thing? What do you wash your clothes in? I use a SPEED QUEEN.
I'm hungry, and all I have to eat is a shitty piece of cheese.
I have felt so sluggish today... as usual it's almost midnight and that's when inspiration to work hits me. I spent most of the day doing almost nothing... just floating around the apartment. I met up with my boyfriend, Todd, after work to go help him shop for some high-heel shoes. He's in the Rocky Horror Show up in Poughkeepsie. I wonder... are those his legs?
My nieces' ballet recital was today. What fun... five hours of cute little children dancing. Seriously though, it was very cool. My nieces did very well, and I'm proud of them both. However, one of the dance teachers' assistants dances like a hooker. Give the bitch a pole... and a dollar.
Friday, October 13th... Isn't that cool - that October would get a "Friday the 13th"? I think that's cool. Halloween's coming up soon. My sister is throwing a "bash", and I'm going to the parade on the 31st. I'll probably wear my Renaissance Fair costume. I promise to take lots of pictures and post them up.
What a weekend. We celebrated my uncle's 71st birthday at his house (ranch?). The celebration featured a dead pig, intimate family, music, and my mother playing a guitar! I've NEVER had this much fun with my family. It was really surreal. However, there was a small incident... when the kids where playing outside, Bianca got hit in the nose with a small rock (nothing tragic), but next thing we knew, Alexa came out of the backyard with a brick ready for some retaliation.
The girls' ballet recital awards was on Sunday. Bianca got a trophy, and Alexa got a trophy and a ribbon. Very cool! Then it was off to eat a celebration dinner at Houlihan's. Alexa kept screaming..."I see a smile on your face... Whoa, what a mean face... Here comes Bigfoot... Roar!"... Ah... the charm of a five year old...
Happy Anniversary to Todd and me. It's been a whole month.
The age of communication. Beepers. Cellphones. Cordless. Wireless. Internet. Intranet. Bell Atlantic is now Verizon. We have cultivated a sleek and silver skyscraper community of indifference. Don't look at the person's face sitting across from you on the subway. Look down. Look down at your feet. Look down at the floor. Don't look at the homeless. Don't look at people crying on the streets. Look down. Look down at your feet. Look down at the floor.
Indifference. I have become indifferent. My parents want to transfer the house in my name or my sister's. She doesn't want it. Neither do I. I don't want a dime of it. It's not anger anymore. It's not "lashing out" at them. It's indifference. The house means nothing to me. Why own nothing? Why have an empty nothing in my name? I cried into the walls of nothing for years. No one answered. I walked into nothing everyday of my life. I slept in a bed of nothing. I ate off an empty plate of nothing. I spoke about nothing, dreamt about nothing. When nothing is gone, will I cry for it?
Happy October. I went into the city today with Francine. We saw the Cique de Soleil - Journey of Man. INCREDIBLE - what a visual feast. My eyes could barely take it though, and I seem to have a pretty hefty headache now. I played Baldur's Gate II yesterday for a few hours just to try to get the feel of it, and decide what type of character I want to play. I still don't know. I'll wait till the "patch" comes out for it.
I feel like there is so much to do in my life and I'm just sitting back. I need to find a new job, and pay off some of the crazy bills I have. I need to post my resume up on Monster.com. There is no excuse why I haven't done so already.
Azodnem.com needs attention. I hate the way the photo album pages look. They need to tie together better. Some of the sections are half up and incomplete. I need to focus on them and get some of those loose strings tied up.
I'm happy with Todd. It will be a month in four days... on Thursday. My mind is scared sometimes. I don't want to get hurt, but my heart is already gone. It's his. I think about him often. No matter what I'm doing, his name is floating in the back of my mind tugging at me. There's no one else in the world but him. Guess that clinches it, huh folks? I'm in love.
My mom came over... started rearranging my rugs...
totally disrupting my energy flow and fucking up my zen for today.
I say it's about time to get back in gear and post up some cool and new stuff. I actually feel inspired and productive. I have energy and can feel it. I slept REAL good last night. I have tons of laundry to get to, but I'm not in the mood. I've separated my "whites" and my "everything else" into two clumps on my bedroom floor.
Mabelyn has a new boyfriend. I'm incredibly happy for her... and him, but I miss her. I don't see my best friend as often as I used to.
OH FUCK... The Magic Wok just got here with my lunch. Doorbell scared the living SHIT out of me!
Did you know... that Azodnem.com is already starting to appear on search engines? Isn't that the coolest thing?
Oh, for the musically curious... I'm currently listening to the soundtrack of Karma Sutra: A Tale of Love - because sometimes you just need to hear the wailing howls of an Arab woman to make your day feel complete.
How exciting my life is. I got a haircut today, and picked up my blood pressure medication. Visited my parents for a few hours. Bought Mom a TV Guide.
This entire week has been the week of HELL. I've worked almost twelve hours every day, and I'm completely exhausted. On the positive side, I do have a four day weekend in front of me.
I had lunch in New York with Todd and Mabelyn. The two great forces in my life have met. Lunch was cool - Chinese food, rain and Renaissance pictures. What more could a girl ask for?
Behold a new look - a touch of red. Evolution demanded it. I required it.
A new start - fresh energy. New blood? A gothic taste?
Speaking of all things "Goth":
Mabelyn stayed over last night. She was dying to see the Renaissance Faire pictures I took. I have to confess - they look awesome - Expect them up soon. I also picked up the few Wigstock pictures I was able to take, as well as some of those random snapshots we all shoot just to waste film.
Maybe I'll take the pictures with me at lunch to show Todd. Yeah - Todd and I are still a "thing". Cool, huh? Things are going slow - our schedules are preventing otherwise - but I think that's Fate's way of ensuring that we take our time and enjoy each other.