ONLINE JOURNAL 2000
Journal entries are listed in ascending order ~ oldest entries are on the bottom.
Looking back over the past few entries, there seem to be several where I just bitch about Azodnem.com's lack of growth, i.e..."I haven't added anything new, and I feel guilty." ~ "The grey cloud trauma". Evolution. When Azodnem.com was first "born", there was almost a lightning energy that flowed out with it. It possessed the power of anticipation, and it pulsed with it. For awhile I was feeling that it defined me... that its elegance and order would somehow bring elegance and order into my life. It became an entity on its own, and I aspired to be its child... its chosen... but then everything stopped. Azodnem froze. No activity. No creation. No movement. No growth. Evolution. Have I outgrown Azodnem?
I felt almost as if it was a chore to sit in front my keyboard and put up a new page. I was uninspired, and my energies weren't being replenished from anywhere or anyone. I was waiting for Azodnem.com to "do" something. But that was the problem - wasn't it? I am Azodnem.com. I define it. I can redefine it. It exists and breathes because I allow it to. Where is its substance? Where is its soul? Does it need one? Evolution.
Date with an Angel.
This entry was about my first date with Todd. I promised myself that I was not going to remove any of the entries that he was in... that I was above that. Unfortunately, I wasn't above that tonight.
ENOUGH! Enough of this "grey cloud drama". Here we go... This weekend has been hectic and VERY busy. I have added a few things up on Azodnem - but not much though. The Lounge is growing nicely. I spent all of today cleaning up the apartment - and I mean CLEANING UP - the curtains were taken down, washed, and ironed. My bed sheets were changed, and perfumed - They're virgin again. So am I. The apartment looks and feels fresher - I love the rain. I have tons of paperwork to still filter through however... Hey... where's Mabelyn? Where did my friends go? >sniff< >sniff<
I've sat for hours in front of this machine. My apartment looks like a mess. My mind is cluttered. This hard-drive is cluttered. It's 8 o'clock. I feel like I haven't done shit. Azodnem.com is just a pretty face with nothing at its core. Margarita, anyone? I need new energy.
AOL is the Babylon of the Internet, and I am its whore.
Azodnem is in pieces. I guess in a way so am I. I've been working in wild spurts. I'm divided. Cut up into little pieces. There is so much I want to do, and I just feel overwhelmed, like it's suddenly become so difficult to put my priorities in order. I am overwhelmed.
I'm lonely. Everyone else seems to meet someone with such ease. What's really happening with me? What's the real issue? I'm not thirteen. I don't need constant attention to feel loved. Problem is, I don't feel loved. - DAMN IT - I refuse to turn my life into a "pity me novel" THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I'm cute. Intelligent. Talented... empty What am I looking for? What are the answers that I need?
I'm not "Chapter One" in anyone's life.
Do I have to be? I'd like to be. People seem to remember me when they need to vent or have good news they want to tell someone about. No one asks me "How are you?", "What did you do today?". When did I become invisible to everyone around me? Sometimes it feels like those things are irrelevant to people. It's not important how Robert is doing, or what he's thinking. When M. got back from vacation, she didn't ask how the blood test went - despite the fact that she knew that I was a bit freaked about it. Had I not mentioned it - would she have eventually? I brushed it off and told myself she just had a great time and was caught in the moment, but it broke my heart. Maybe I'm writing that here, because I don't have the courage to say it aloud. Maybe I need to say it aloud. Maybe people just assume that "nothing's up" so why ask. Have I made myself too accessible as a "counselor" to others? Have I become too much of a neutral force, that its hard for people to see me as anything other than that? I can take care of myself, I always have - but that's because there has been no other choice. In a way, it all ties in with the "dismissal issue". Armando turned his back on me without a second thought. Paul. Ted. Is there nothing I have that captivates someone? Nothing of depth? Why do I still blame Armando? Maybe because I never had "a say"? Perhaps because what I wanted / needed wasn't considered - has never been.
I shut my parents out - of my own free will, because I know that when I "come out" they'll turn their backs on me - so I might as well get ready for it. I'll lose everyone I've ever loved in an instant. It terrifies me. Being alone. But... I've placed myself in a situation where I am alone. I moved out. I come home alone. I wake up alone. My phone rarely rings. It's painful. I've never had anyone that I can honestly say I felt loved me. Am I victim? No. Am I jaded? Yes. Am I distrustful of others? Constantly. I can't take others at face value anymore, because I know it's a "face". I don't go anywhere. I stay inside like a hermit. What am I afraid of? Rejection? Proof that I am alone? Affirmation that I'm meant to be alone? Die alone. Maybe "Love" is an ideal that poets have created so we all get up every morning... so we force ourselves to work, in a secret hope that someone will stop us on the street today... that someone will look our way today... that someone will love me today...
Is that what all the men in my life have been about? Was I substituting names and places with ideals of "Mr. Right"? ...pretending in my mind, that he was the lover that comes to me every night and makes me feel new in the morning. I want to drink coffee with someone at a café. I want to go to a Broadway play with someone. I want to trust again, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I hate the events that have made me think this way. I hate the people who brought on those events... but it isn't going to change just like that is it?
I'm insecure. I guess that's a byproduct of all the above. I'm constantly questioning "Why people are talking to me?", "Do I look OK today?", "Are they looking at me / laughing at me?" Maybe the issue is a lot bigger than I care to admit to anyone. To myself. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just waiting for the world to stop for a second, acknowledge me and apologize for ignoring me - even if it continues on its way afterwards. I don't know. Truth is - I'm human... with the same frailties and needs as everyone else, and like everyone else, I'm just trying to make my way in this world. Real truth is... Everyone has problems. Everyone is insecure. Everyone thinks they're fat / ugly /unwanted / inadequate... whatever... at one point in their lives. The question is... what do we do about it?
As I was rebuilding (revamping) my on-line photo album pages yesterday, I came across this picture:
||Behold: A set of evil, red-eyed
demonic children have
unearthed my father's feminine side.
I got haircut today, why do I feel 40lbs lighter everytime I get my hair trimmed? "I feel pretty... Oh so pretty..." despite the fact that I have a huge pimple on nose.
KEEPING IT REAL
I'm in a cloud - a fuzzy grey cloud. It's not raining. It's just a looming cloud. I feel uninspired and undirected, unmotivated. What is Azodnem.com? It's my last name backwards, but other than that what does it mean? Did I just want an internet presence because everyone else had one? Did I want to be part of that "progressive online community" that is so supportive? Who am I working for? Writing for? Does anyone read any of this? Does anyone care? Does it all come down to... "How many hits did I get today?", "Did I add anything new?", "Are my friends reading this?", "Are they my friends if they're not?". Competition breeds contempt. I wanted a space to vent.
I wanted a space to display my artwork, and scream out that I have some spark of talent (hopefully get some more freelance work, maybe even a new job in the process).
I wanted a space to display all my other friends who are also artists, poets or musicians... a space where they can all stand side by side without any quarrels or judgment.
I wanted something that was 100% mine, and looked it. Is Azodnem.com that?
Am I saying anything worth saying?
I guess I just threw too much of myself at myself. There is no deadline, and in truth, Azodnem.com will never be finished. It's going to change and grow, as I do. Yet, I feel as if there is someone I'm secretly trying to impress. Someone who is watching every move I make, and when I am done - I'm gonna get a report card.
I have become obsessed. Overwhelmed. Overworked. Underappreciated - in several realms. Do I need a cake with candles, fanfare and a parade to let me know that I have been a good friend/brother/son. No. Maybe. At least once would be nice. Yes. Have I been a good friend/brother/son? Do I need to just step-away?... from everything?
The new shower-head I bought SUCKS! It doesn't fit how & where its supposed to (no comment). Don't you just hate when that happens?? ~ My quest for a durable shower-head continues...
My pledge of celibacy didn't last. For the first time in my life I felt no guilt or remorse after the fact. I truly enjoyed the moment, myself and him. Whether it remains a one night stand or not awaits to be seen and is actually irrelevant. It was sweet, fun and very funny. I don't think I have laughed that much in bed since A.V. (but that was for a different reason). I have no regrets about having had shared my bed this night. (He is only one of two people I have ever slept with - i.e... spent the whole night with.)
I have to buy a new shower-head. He broke my shower-head. It's OK. My maid broke my first shower-head. She breaks a lot of things, actually... I have a maid... She comes in about once a month. Why do I have a maid? I'm a "neat-freak". I don't need a maid. I think I pay her $40, to sit on my futon and watch Galavision, that is... when she's not breaking things. Last week, she broke the handle off of my refrigerator. What the hell was she doing, that THAT was the result?
I got the blood test results today. I'm fine. I bought Diablo II today, mostly because Mabelyn gave it a fabulous review. So much for that life I wanted to eventually develop.
Some new cool one-liners:
The devil's greatest accomplishment is having convinced the world that he does not exist.
We are the backpack generation.
I am a low-budget film.
Couldn't go to go for the blood test on 7-19-00.
Went this morning. The Asian woman who drew my blood was really rude. She called me fat.
Someone is playing games, it seems. I'm getting several calls about an apartment for rent... mine. Could it be my "floor-fucker's" attempt at vengeance because of my slanderous entry on 6-27-00? Well done, my worthy adversary. Round one goes to you. However... you shall not win this one. I'm pulling out the candles, incense and the Santa Barbara, all I need now is a chicken's head and some goat's blood.
I saw Max Grand on the street today near the Crunch Gym at W4th. He is fucking incredible! I recognized him, because I've seen his picture in HX Magazine. In actuality, I've never seen one of his "films". Do porn stars make a lot of money? Or is it the exhibitionist side of themselves that they are fulfilling? F.C. is a porn star. We went to high school together. I kissed him twice. I never saw his "thingie". I felt it up though. If I buy his films now, I can see his "thingie".
2000 seems to be the year of change for everyone. After seven years, Mabelyn and Rhuven have split up. After 12 years, my brother-in-law has sold his business, and has gone back to driving buses. I have gotten my own apartment, a great job, and my own website. It seems to be a time for new beginnings for people, whether those beginnings are intentional or thrown upon them. I wonder how this year will end.
Went to the doctor today, and got stocked-up on all my asthma and allergy pills.
Tomorrow, I'm going for a blood test.
I have accomplished nothing. Am I setting unfair and unrealistic goals for myself? The website is still not finished, but it's not even 3 months old. Every time I do a page, it seems I add a whole new section instead.
Played D&D today. Went to see the X-men movie with Mabe and our "D&D Buddies". The movie was awesome! It was "The Wolverine Movie" that Mabelyn has been waiting for. It was one of the best (if not the best) comic book to movie adaptations I have seen.
The X-Men movie was released today. I tried to see it on opening night, but everywhere I tried was sold-out. OBSERVATION: My maid, Mryiam, seems to rearrange all my photographs and "knick-knacks". Is she trying to tell me something? Or is that her way of proving to me that she actually cleans?
I have let STRESS win. It is so easy to allow myself to become my mother. I barely slept a wink on Sunday. I took the day off Monday, cause I didn't feel I was in a mental state suitable for the "office". are gay men drama queens by nature? There is a huge bed box in my kitchen, that has to remain there for about 3 more weeks. Excell framing in NY still hasn't issued my credit. They overcharged my credit card by $400 for a framing job. - Gee - Oops! I feel like there is not enough on Azodnem. I have tons of bills adding up and It's scaring me. I had another "encounter" on Saturday. He was a really sweet guy, but things should not have happened. Realistically, we are way too far from each other to maintain a relationship. I think I just needed some good sex to get me over the 6-27-00 experience. I got it, but I also got a few additional issues I wasn't counting on. I felt so cheap afterwards. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I had to confess that I wasn't comfortable with what happened. We spoke Monday, and ironically he felt the same way about the "affair" (pun intended). I felt better after our conversation.
What is voyeurism? Is it the Internet's response to safer-sex? It seems everyone has a webcam. Don't you want to see "tub-man" naked? He was using a washcloth and then drank his own bath water. But then... I wouldn't know that... unless I was watching.
Happy 4th of July. I had a great view of the fireworks from right outside my building. I also had a great view of the men - a lot of hardbodies walking around at night... (Hey, Mabe - that hot Chinito lives in my building, or at least someone he knows does! Be jealous! LOL) I had a really strange and scarey dream about a floating head named "Alice". She came out of my toilet and spoke to me. She was very friendly for a headless child. Stacker2 IS crack. I took pictures of the fireworks, and should hopefully be able to post them up when I get them printed.
I've had a four day weekend, and I've spent most of it hunched over this keyboard typing away like a madman. I feel very proud of Azodnem.com. A lot of work has gone into it, and I think it shows. Each section is building up nicely - and even though I feel exhausted... I also feel rewarded.
I will NEVER have a one night-stand again.
Ever watch Sex and The City on HBO? Samantha's character (played by Kim Cattrall) - that's me. "Sexually-liberated" is just the politically correct term for "whore". Make no mistake... I am a "whore". Even the most pathetic creature on this planet can find someone to have sex with. I am that someone. In my pursuit for Mr. Right, my standards have not only dropped, but shuffled off to the side. We all have "needs" in bed. We all have certain things that get us off. "Mr.X" could ONLY get off - while rubbing his face into my belly and humping my "hardwood" floor in his underwear. So... As I'm laying there...(on my floor - with this freak's face in my stomach - mind you - he's also humming) ... it dawned on me... I'm looking up at my ceiling, a million miles away; not even aware of my surroundings. "Lord, how did I get myself into this PARTICULAR situation?" When he left, I was left with a dire duty... I needed a shower and my floor needed a mop. Twenty minutes later and some clorox... I'm feeling better.
Have I become incapable of love? unworthy of love? The truth is... that I have to come to terms with the fact that I am a human being. I get lonely just like anyone else. I still fantasize about companionship. Does it make me less of a person to admit that I do need someone in my life?
Paul hurt me. Paul hurt me more than anyone ever has. What I cried for him, I will never allow myself to cry for anyone else. I wasn't afraid to fall in love. I let myself fall in love, and got incredibly burned for it. Are gay men incapable of maintaining a committed relationship? Can I be happy with one man? Would I trust that he is faithful? Will I lie to myself and say he is.
I was swept off my feet by Ted. He fit the bill for a lot of what I imagined my Mr. Right would be. I would've given him a 100% of myself without him asking and never regretted it. My honesty scared him off. My honesty scared me. He went out of his way to let me know that a new person was in his life. This person was wonderful, and incredible, and he was falling in love. He met this person December 4th - a day before my birthday. Ironically, I wasn't angry... I wished him well. However, to remain true to the spirit of honesty, my opinion of him took a downward plunge. He was still "cruising" on-line despite the fact that he had found someone so wonderful. Was HE incapable of love? Was he so swept away by the ideal of a relationship... that he couldn't enjoy what was in front of him? Appreciate what was there? What was being offered? What did HE have to offer? Has he ever given me a second thought? Has Paul?
In retrospect, neither of them could've given me what I really want. The emotional security I'm looking for, isn't going to come from the arms of a lover, but rather from within myself. Every "committed" gay couple I have encountered seemed so happy to be together... but every "top" in those relationships has made passes at me. Was there a thin veil of lies and untruths sheltering those "marriages", sheltering any marriage? I am hopeless romantic... I still believe that there is one person out there meant for me... that one person who will make all these others seem like wasted energy... who will give me the strength and love I have so desperately been looking for. Will I be looking for him, longing for him, for the rest of my life? Will someone ever look at me, and see their future? See themselves growing old with me? Will I ever grow old?
Happy Easter. My sister and her family are in Florida. I'm supposed to go over to her house and lay out the Easter baskets for my nieces. When I arrived the house was a bit "unorderly". I am convinced I posses some type of turbo "clean-gene" because I proceeded to reorganize her entire house; folded clothes, swept, dusted, put the hangers away, paired-up shoes, etc. I also left a really cute trail of plastic Easter eggs all over the house. My nieces are gonna think the Easter Bunny was on crack.
I registered Azodnem.com today. The process was surprisingly painless. I was avoiding it for sometime.
I went to my Uncle's wake. I feel a bit more resolved.
An uncle of mine past away today. His death has left me with unsettled feelings. We were never close, and I can't say that I'm grieving. I think I am reacting more to other people's reactions or lack of.